mostly ugly

‘mostly ugly’ – this is honestly how i have felt most of my life, i have come to the terms where i dont see it as an insult anymore but a fact 🙂 im happy with it, i like my skin color i hate my boobs . you knows sometimes when i smile nice i look kind of pretty especially in bathrooms .. i dont know maybe its the lightening but i’l smile and i will feel prettier .. call me vain you know but this gives me a certain kind of pleasure. 

i honestly wish i didn’t care about how i looked i am probably my biggest critique i have probably said the ost despicable things you can think of to myself i have never let myself really like someone because i dont find myself attractive enough to be with someone else you know .i really hate my anatomy i keep postponing doing things because of how i would look .. do you know how foolish i would look going for a jog but if you have someone physically fit going for one they look so good you know , and the thing is that after a few rounds i actually enjoy running you know its like want to be physically fit but i want to wait until i can look physically fit to do things that will make me physically fit .. does that make sense to anyone? 

anyways my main point is today i guess i kind of cracked i dont really care if i have to starve myself for two weeks and waste my money i reached the day that i finally saw myself as fat again( since last August i havent  thought of myself as this you know) 

i want to be an actress the hardest thing to do is admit this to myself i know i have always wanted to be one more that any other thing so i want to audition for the schools theatre program but i dont know how it would go.. i have never auditioned for anything in my life , how many people are going to be there ? i looked at the application online and it says i should bring a resumé? a resumé  i have only acted once on  stage in my life i dont have a resumé how do i explain this? i was at the theatre yesterday and some of them seemed really mean you know some of the students what if they are there during the audition , i have thought of wasting money this summer in an acting camp … that would give me something to do but i really do not feel like blowing my cash on something i know i know how to do . but then what if i go on stage and i have no idea i freeze on stag? what do i do then you know i honestly want to cry right now and i feel like there is no one i can talk to  about it you know?  everyone will think i am joking.. i didn’t get the opportunity to be in school plays when i was younger like most people you know , which is why i am blogging about it 


i have come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me.. maybe i smell weird to other people ( i highly doubt it) maybe its my accent or my skin colour but i still have no one i can tell anything to you know .. its actually really hard, maybe i should have joined a sorority or something , i cannot believe ia m crying right now .. i just dont know.. i mean the people in my theatre group are nice i like them i knew like 3 of them before but they live somewhere totally different . why does ti seem impossible for me to make friends? 


my parting words to this post are dont think i am some suicidal depressed person because i am not *shrugs * i dont know  you know … maybe i am honestly too young for college 

i dont know why i want a phone .. when i get one who would i be texting .. basically  every one i know lives somewhere else that is not here 


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